(Gonna preface this by saying that even though my mom and I had a shaky relationship growing up, we have a great relationship now and that I would do anything for her).

Growing up I had all the telltale signs of ADHD but no one was able to identify it at the time.

• Hyper fixation / obsession on certain topics. If I enjoyed something, it's literally all I could think about non-stop. This sucks when you're a kid because you rely on adults to let you do anything or take you to do anything. I was so used to getting rejected when I asked for things that I would force myself to lose interest in my passions simply because getting rejected when I asked for things was so indescribably painful. That pain is an aching mind-numbing cold that spreads from my chest to the rest of my body and later in life led me to suicidal ideations. (I figured out that this is common in people with ADHD and it's called RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria).
• Extreme procrastination and inability to do productive work until the very last second. ADHD brains have trouble connecting the long-term planning part with the short-term knowledge part. This leads to something called Executive Dysfunction. You know exactly what you have to do but you literally can't force yourself to start until the last second. The thought of starting X task would make me sometimes so anxious that I'd get hot / cold flashes
• Inability to sit still. I'd constantly be moving or fidgeting. And I'd get strong urges to climb things all the time, still do sometimes.
• Constantly losing things. I'd lose coats, jackets, shoes, schoolwork, pencils and more. I couldn't keep track of it for the life of me.

My mom and I would fight CONSTANTLY because of a) how often I forgot to do things like schoolwork or chores or b) how I consistently failed to do things to standard. Part of this was because I was a habitual procrastinator. I couldn't focus for the fucking life of me until the very last second, then I'd go all in and half ass whatever task I had on my plate.

She thought I was just being disobedient, lazy or disrespectful. I didn't feel like I was being disobedient on purpose - I just felt like I was CONSTANTLY forgetting things.

It made me feel like there was a moral flaw with me. 'You keep screwing up because you don't care about your mom or what she wants. If you really gave a shit you wouldn't mess up' I told myself over and over again.

My ADHD paired with the (in my opinion) manipulative Amercanised pseudo-Jesusy Evangelical Christian environment that I was raised in led me to a state of affairs where I felt wrong for whatever I wanted or needed. (I'd like to add that I think most of the people I grew up with were well intentioned but I think that modern Evangelical Churches end up being emotionally manipulative whether they intend to or not).

I felt like I always had to be passive and agreeable, always put others' needs before mine, and never voice my wants / needs / opinions and then MAYBE, just maybe someone would consider my wants.

Fast forward to adulthood. I'm not living with my parents anymore. I'm still forgetting shit left in right. Important shit that I care a lot about. I'm forgetting things working at the business I co-founded. I'm straight up unable to work effectively for long periods of time. I'm forgetting important things in my relationship. Going to the grocery store or trying to cook a meal that takes more than a single step feels overwhelming and anxiety inducing. My apartment is always a mess. All these things contributed to a looming feeling of anxiety and depressing. I didn't know what I was forgetting or how that would impact people around me and that gave me a low level grade of anxiety at all times.

My wife is a Medical Assistant. She suggested I might have ADHD and said I should go in to see if they'd diagnose me. I was reluctant at first but eventually went. I got diagnosed at my first psych appointment and my primary care provider prescribed me some medication for ADHD.

The Turning Point

My life changed instantly.

I can now do things promptly and effectively whenever I realize I need to do them with zero anxiety. Dishes? Done. Phone call? Done. Tiny hyper-detailed work task? Done. Dinner? Prepped and in the oven. I can do productive, effective work for hours at a time day after day. A lot of my background anxiety and depression is gone. Is this what normal people life is like!? The amount of things I've been able to accomplish in a 3-month period is simply astounding. I get a pre-medicated week's worth of work done in a single day. It's made me a happier, better and more loving partner in my relationship.

That's why I believe that getting treated for ADHD is the most life changing thing that happened to me this year. It's helped every single area of my life improve - my marriage included - and it played a huge part in us having such an incredible wedding.

And to be honest, not a lot changed after getting married. The wedding was beautiful and truly the best day of my life. I love her more and more every passing day and I'm overjoyed that I get to be with her all the time. But I didn't need a wedding to know that I'm committed to this woman with every fiber of my being. I've known that for a long time

That is why 2022 is the turning point for me. There was me before diagnosis and then there is now. There is no comparison. I feel like I can run into the future with confidence. My time on this earth is short and I plan on making the most of it.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude towards God. I am keenly aware that I don't deserve a damn thing in my life. It's all his. He will do whatever he pleases with me. I am a sinner and he is well within his rights to mortally oppose me. But time after time he's shown me incomprehensible grace. I pray that I'll still be praising him when the rain comes because it will - it always does. Life ebbs and flows and that's a truly beautiful thing